Wednesday, October 28, 2009


: is curious. about the excretory system and the toilet. her thing right now is to come up behind me while i am on the potty and nudge shove my back forward while peeking ramming her head into the little space between the edge of the toilet and my rear end. she does this while mumbling something i do not comprehend.

: is a trickster, whether she actually knows it, i am not sure. she flushes the toilet whether i am finished or not. then she flushes it again and goes so far as to flush it a third time before she realizes that the toilet is fresh out of flushes. this is an issue when i have not tied it off and she has exhausted the toilet and my turds excretions have not one place to go but there.

: is perceptive. when she wants to be. three nights ago i was scrolling down my main page of facebook. hayden's little voice was in the back of my head. i eventually picked up what she was saying, rit-ny, rit-ny. huh? i went back to scrolling and noticed that my cousin's picture was on the monitor, her name is brittany. rit-ny = brittany and my baby = smart.

: is nothing if not cute and heartbreakingly adorable. toddler tummy and all, jacked-up unruly hair included. after her bath and right before she goes to bed she crawls up on the couch and wallows me. i tickle her back and she drifts in and out. just precious.

Hayden is a curious trickster who is perceptive, cute and adorable. If I didn't already have her, I'd want her. Too bad though...

...and neither are her saggy-ass jeans!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Pumpkin Patch

Just arrived, already taking over Ingrid's stroller.

Too excited to stop. Must. Keep. Going.

With a little help from Papaw.

Up and out not in and down.

I've come to the conclusion she does this on purpose.

Mama will show her the way.

And...we're out!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Makin' Me Laugh

What makes me laugh out loud on a regular basis?

1. Kidd Kraddick

2. Modern Family

3. Turfstore

4. Hayden

5. Baby on Bored

These came to me, in that order, with no digging around whatsoever. Tried. True. Reliable humor. It don't get no better'n'at!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

The first photo was taken February 15, 2008. I asked a friend at work to snap a picture of my swollen face the Friday before I went on maternity leave. Hayden was born three days later.

The last photo was taken September 15, 2009. I snapped a picture of myself on what I thought was a good hair day.

Nineteen months took place in the span of those photos. I became a mama and the proof is in my hair.

I don't recall the reason why I cut it in the first place, why I then cut it shorter and what made me decide to let it grow back out. I do recall the ups and downs, the highs, the lows, and I'm sure the reason lies in there somewhere.

None of that really matters, Hayden loved me then and she loves me now.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Life and Death

One year ago today Cliff died.

Two months and eleven days ago Dustin died.

Days go by that I am not reminded of them. Not many days though. Most days they enter my thoughts when I am driving and my mind is not busy. In my memories they will be forever young, wild and restless.

The good die young. The rest of us spend the rest of our lives attempting to make sense of something that we know deep down will baffle us for as long as we live.

I still have trouble wrapping my head around what is, what not one of us can change.

Three hours ago Dustin's girlfriend, Melisa, found out that the babies she is carrying will be brother and sister. Dustin is having a boy and a girl!

Knowing this will give my aunt and uncle a reason to smile.

Two months from now Cliff's sister, Christy, will become a mama. She is having a baby girl!

Knowing this will give my aunt and uncle a reason to smile.

Knowing that they have a reason to smile gives me a reason to smile too!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Desperately Frustrated, Needing a Change

“Desperation. There's danger in frustration.” Miranda Lambert

I am both, frustrated and desperate. Desperate to get the hell away from here for a bit…due to the frustration and spinning sensation a feel deep down. I haven’t really gotten out of dodge since March and MAN! can I feel it. I want out, and now!

I feel like every other word out of my mouth probably is and has the right to be a word from the mouth of a sailor. I am seriously in need of something else, I don’t know what that something is and I can’t seem to summon the energy to put two and two together.

I can’t determine whether I like change or if I don’t. I guess it depends on what it pertains to and just how drastic it is. Sure, a positive change is good but even it has to be waited out before truly knowing. And the knowing, fuck the knowing, no, thank God, thank God for the knowing. But, yeah, fuck the knowing. I just don’t have a positive feeling. My stomach has been in a damn knot for six long days. Along with the knowing...the change, the fluid shit, the spew that has no consistency other than inconsistency.

So, there’s this point, and I’m circling around it, which is unusual. This point is where my frustration lies, where danger falls. I desperately want to make this point go the fuck away.

No take backs though, and I wouldn’t, not ever.

Bottom line, I need a change, desperately! And that fact alone is frustrating! Will there come a time when enough is enough, satisfaction reigns? Or will I always feel like there should be more, an easier, simpler way?

Simplicity takes work, believe it or not.

Life isn’t simple, or maybe it is, sure it is, on occasion, and away from where I sit this very second. It takes a hard day to recognize a simple one. I know that.

I need a simple change, or maybe I need a complicated change that I can adjust to rather simply, I just don’t know. It’s time to put two and two together, put forth the energy, and get the hell out of dodge!!