Monday, December 1, 2008

What a Waste (of Time, Money, Effort)

We never go to the movies. We hardly go anywhere for that matter. When we do go out to eat Chip ends up having a one on one with the toilet within an hour of being back home. I don't know what it is, his guts aren't the steel they once were apparently. We spend most evenings and nights at home with Hayden. The weekends are spent apart during the day and together at night for the most part, Hayden being with me. Chip hunts hard this time of year, occasionally being rewarded. I shop hard this time of year, usually, not so much this year, economy=fail. So, last Wednesday, boss-man was telling me that he and his family were going to Rave in Chattanooga to see Twilight on Thursday night, how nice the theater was, stadium seating, you know, the works. So, I thought Chip and I would go over the Thanksgiving holiday, we could leave Hayden with my mom and dad.

A couple of weeks ago boss-man's wife, who also works with me, was telling me that they had seen Fireproof and how it was a "pretty good" movie. This past Wednesday he and I were talking and he agreed, Fireproof was a good movie. So, I took it upon myself to check out the movies playing at the theater Friday night. Fireproof, Eagle Eye, Four Christmases, and a slew of other movies were making their deput. I consulted Chip, involved him in the decision as to which movie we would venture out to see this year, in an actual movie theater. He and I both wanted to see Four Christmases, we thought Eagle Eye sounded good, and knew that Fireproof was "pretty good." We made the final decision to see Fireproof, thinking we have heard good reviews and sure Backdraft was pretty good, why not, we love some action.

After we ate at Outback, which cost a whooping $6.71 (thank you Enviro Turf for the gift card), we headed up to Chattanooga for a "pretty good" movie, some stadium seating and a good time. What we got was something totally unexpected, and not in a good way. Here, indulge, read some reviews from other folks, it isn't just me!

~ Fireproof may be full of practical wisdom, but this church-backed drama about a firefighter (Kirk Cameron) whose marriage is about to collapse never quite works as a piece of cinematic fiction. Sure, there are action sequences, but they’re baldly peripheral to the many, many scenes of Cameron’s character being lectured by his father or coworker on how to build and maintain a Christian marriage. As a companion piece to a Bible study group this may have some merit, but it doesn’t belong in a theater.

~ This is an embarrassing, unintentionally funny Christian drama. Hey, I don’t care if you make a movie about Faith, but it has to be good. Every aspect about this is just awful!

~ When Caleb’s father tells him about his faith and saving his marriage, it sounded like it was an advertisement for some self-help video. I kept waiting for captions to appear on the screen telling me how to order. The biggest laugh for me was when Caleb faces his porn addiction. He is looking at some stuff on the internet when a pop-up for an adult site appears. It says “click on me”. He looks hard at the screen, just as a suspenseful music cue begins. He stands up in a dramatic fashion as he looks back at the computer screen (Cameron’s acting here is hysterical). Then he takes the computer out in the backyard and bashes it with a baseball bat while the music turns triumphant. (No, I'm not making this up) This has got to be one of the funniest moments I have ever seen in a movie. I was trying so hard not to laugh that it made my chest hurt.

I HAD to include the last one, mainly because it comforts me, lets me know that Chip and I are not alone, well mostly Chip. He laughed out loud a couple of times, couldn't help himself, much to my embarrassment. Apparently, this critic thought it was funny as well. Take a gander at what else he had to say.

~ I don’t mind a film with a good hearted message, but I felt insulted by the finished product here. On the other hand, this could be enjoyed if you go with a group of friends and get drunk. I know if I went to see this with my brother, we would get kicked out of the theater for laughing so hard. It’s one of the funniest films I’ve seen all year and that was obviously not the intention. This film is made for elderly folk who watch Oprah and Dr. Phil and only see 2 movies a year. Embarrassing.

OK, OK. So, yeah, we fall into the 2 movies a year thing, I cleared that up right from the start. BUT, I am not elderly and I do not watch Oprah (would like to but must work, have mouths to feed) or Dr. Phil (NEVER). We were so pissed off about the outcome of our movie-going experience. I am still trying my damnedest to figure out why this is on at a theater, it should accompany a bible class or be included in the line up for a public service station on television. I guess what really put us over the edge is the $18.50 we spent to see this lame concoction of a film. You can bet your sweet ass I will not be heading to the theater anytime soon, I'm scarred. Besides, with the help of a relative, Chip has figured out how to download new movies that we can watch from the comfort of our own living room. Take that Fireproof! Now if I can just find the husband and wife team that bought into this bland, should-be-afternoon-special on Lifetime, I am going to demand compensation for my stupidity of not researching the movie myself and for taking their word, and that they never recommend another movie to me, EVER!!

Hell, I thought it was an action/drama movie (see trailer above), the trailer is much more interesting than the movie, take my word for it.


Josh said...

Great review. I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately the studios putting out "Christian" movies think that all Christians want to see are syrupy sweet message films.

My brother and I directed a suspense thriller set in church world and have yet to find a distributor. They all seem to be afraid of the PG-13 level violence.

The film is called Dangerous Calling. It's available on DVD on our website: You can see a trailer on the site. If you hated Fireproof, you'll love Dangerous Calling. No message forced down your throat. Just a fun thrill ride that happens to take place in a Church.


connie said...