Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tired Ramblings...


6 months into this mamahood gig and I kinda-sorta feel like I did 4 months ago. Not to the extent but the feeling is there. I find a little comfort in knowing that the feeling is not unwarranted. Several reasons exist as to why I feel pretty shitty.

I work everyday and am usually gone before Hayden wakes up. The wee morning hours are her favorite time of day, all smiles. I miss this Monday through Friday. I get out of work at 5:00, some days I pick her up from Sandy's, other days her dad gets her. On those days I frantically race home to start supper, make bottles, get Hayden's bath stuff ready to go, clean the kitchen, start clothes, whatever else needs tending to. If I pick her up I usually only get as far as supper and bottles, well, and her bath. Everything else gets pushed to the side. This is specifically because she is in a rotten mood by the time 6:30 rolls around. I'm lucky if I make it that long with her. I can honestly say that I try my hardest, I cater to her every need. I try and make her comfortable and keep her awake and happy so that the two of us can have quality time together. I fail miserably. She fusses, cries, wails even. I used to grin and bear it, but lately it has taken its toll on me and I cry right along with her. I chalked her unwanted behavior up to being tired and teething, more so teething.

Well, now my baby is sick, thanks nanny (just kidding). She has had a runny nose since Monday, has a dry cough, and I have determined she has a sore throat as well. She doesn't sound the same when she makes her sweet little voice heard. I'm her mama and I know she feels awful, I feel awful. And her dad feels awful as well, because he feels his daughter's pain and because she gave him whatever bug she has. So, long story short (you guessed it) we are back to very little sleep, good sleep that is. Sure, I get the 2 hours staright here and there. But I need more than that, my body is sceaming this at me. It's saying, "I warned you months ago not to deprive me of sleep and look what you are doing, here take this!" "This" being a big dose of cry-for-any-reason, loosing-my-grip, and a shit-eating feeling of inadequacy. Suck it up...I know. I am also slighty pissed at how things are working out with Hayden. Just when things start getting easier, simpler, things go really bad. I started feeling like I was handling parenting pretty well, moving along, making it, doing it. Now, I am back to feeling like I am being tested each day. I feel like I am getting the raw end of the deal. Coping with not seeing my daughter during the week days very much, to someone else getting her good side everyday, teething, her being sick, all of these things are draining me. I tell myself that this too shall pass. I pray for strength and patience, as I always do. I'll receive it, I know. I just have to have patience. These times will pass and I will not look back on them fondly. I just want my happy baby back, I want quality time wth her, is that too much to ask? I need to pull it together, turn off the monitor and get some sleep. BUT, I will not do this until I know my baby is sleeping soundly as well. Mamahood. It sucks and rocks in the same instant.

Now I am going to try and catch some shut eye at work, all I need is a cot, or an office chair and a computer modem to prop my feet on.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

HEATHER IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE BOTHERED WITH WAY THINGS ARE GOING..WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP???

connie said...

I LEFT THE MESSAGE.. MAMA

connie said...

HEATHER I WAS READING ALL OF YOUR BLOGS   I HOPE THINGS ARE BETTER FOR YOU..YOU KNOW I'M HERE FOR YOU ANYTIME...LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART..MAMA